InsaneJournal

Random Hilarity
Bear in mind, these were not written by me, but I got a good laugh out of them. These were in the local paper with the classifieds and all that, so I figured I could share them with you. ^_^

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A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years!" God replied, "Shirley?! I didn't recognize you!"

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One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but sees no one. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers, "Yes, I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Clarence." The burglar says, "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

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If you liked, please let me know, and I might put out a few more when I run across them. ^_^ TTFN!